NEW YORK--- Republicans across America are up in arms in regards to the prostitution scandal surrounding New York Governor Elliot Spitzer with most G.O.P. leaders calling for his resignation. Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters today at a Washington press conference, "It is shocking that a Governor of such a prominent state, a father, a husband and a Democrat has committed such a grievous offense against morality. He was elected on the promise of cleaning things up and has instead, shown that he is no more than a hypocrite." The former Speaker continued, "And as we all know, if there is a hypocrite caught up in a sex scandal, it is supposed to be a Republican!" Hastert became more animated and was visibly upset as he continued, "I need not tell you of the grand history of sex scandals in the Republican party. It just seems like yesterday that Senator Larry Craig, a zealot and dedicated critic of the homosexual lifestyle, was caught trying to solicit gay sex from an undercover policeman in an airport men's room." As Hastert continued, his eyes began to well up, "And does anyone here need to be reminded the glorious and profoundly hypocritical Mark Foley who was caught sending gay, pornographic emails to underage, male Congressional pages?" Those were the days..." his voice tapered off as he choked back tears. "As a lifelong member of the Grand Old Party, I say now that this will not stand!" Hastert seemed to gather strength from his own words as he continued, "Hypocrisy...ours! Sex scandals...ours! Lying to cover up your mistakes....well, mostly ours...but we're better at it and we will not let the Democrats try to take what is part and parcel of the Republican!" Hastert's sentiments were echoed throughout the media today. Syndicated talk radio douche bag Rush Limbaugh said on his program this afternoon, "...will these Dems [Democrats] ever get a clue? They have these pathetic little scandals and what are they about? A Governor having sex with a really, really hot young woman...where's the gay stuff, the hypocrisy, the cover up, the drug angle? They really need to stop being such amateurs and let us pros handle it." Republicans all across the country voiced agreement with Limbaugh's assertions, In addition, many are concerned that John McCain, probable Republican Presidential nominee, may not have any secret gay sex related scandals to be revealed before the November elections. Governor Spitzer resigned Wednesday and will be replaced by the Lt. Governor David Paterson as Governor of New York. Spitzer is expected to announce early next week that he will enter the field of television evangelist, a position for which he already has the sex-scandal prerequisite.
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